A caveat: this is a very, very long post, but I hope you find it worth your time. I've been sitting on the subject matter for about four months, waiting for the right moment to share it with you. New Year's seems about right.
You might need some context for what I'm about to say, so feel free to
get some backstory before you read on.
It's been eighteen years since my brother's death. And for eighteen years, I've had a name stuck in my head: the name of someone who used to bully him in school. There were probably other bullies (there's rarely just one, right?), but this one particular kid sticks out because I heard his name so often.
The strange thing is, I don't hate this guy. Surely I used to, but it's been so long since I've come to be at peace with everything, I can't remember the last time I cursed his name when I thought of it. For eighteen years, however, I've wondered whatever became of him, and if he even remembers my brother. I've wondered if he ever thinks back on those days and feels remorse.
Billy killed himself, but it wasn't because some kid made his life hell. The years that have passed have brought me life experience and clarity of perspective that helped me figure out what I could not have made sense of when I was fifteen. He was bullied, but lots of kids are bullied. He felt pressured, but lots of kids feel pressured. My best guess is that Billy had emotional problems, too, and we just didn't see them. His death was his choice, and nobody's fault.
So every once in a while, I'd search the Web in an attempt to find this guy-whose-name-will-not-leave-me. Nothing ever turned up until last August.
I found him, and I sent an e-mail to him through the website for the chamber of commerce of his little town. I gave my name, asked him if he grew up where I did, if he was the same guy-by-that-name who attended such-and-such middle school. Said I'd like to talk to him, if that's the case. Didn't divulge anything more.
A few days later I received his reply.
He said he didn't know who I was until he prayed and sought God's counsel about whether or not he should (as a married man) reply to an unknown woman who had contacted him. He said that God told him who I was and why I was contacting him. And he was terrified.
So in my next e-mail, admitting that I had no idea what I truly wanted to say after looking for him all this time, I did the only thing I could do: I forgave him. Inasmuch as one human being is empowered to do so, I released him from any responsibility and guilt he may have been feeling (though the whole time, I was thinking myself arrogant for even assuming he may have felt any). Yet it was not I who had the power to truly forgive, or even to facilitate my own desire to forgive him. And I explained that this moment was a result of the regeneration of my spirit through the atoning work of Jesus Christ, who makes all things new.
His subsequent reply, in its entirety:
Did I ever feel any guilt after Billy’s death? I felt guilt every day of my life for a long, long time. Every night as I lay in my bed I would replay those events over and over again. I would ask myself, "Why?" Why did I do that? Why was I like that? Why couldn’t I have just been Billy’s friend? Why didn’t someone stop me? Why didn’t Billy tell the teacher, a counselor, the principal? Why was I such a jerk?
I know now why I was the way I was. I had no self esteem. I viewed myself as ugly and awkward and was terrified of rejection. So what did I do? I found other people to belittle. If I could make other people laugh then it made me feel good. If I could make other people laugh at someone else then I knew that they weren’t laughing at me. So Billy became my target. Why? I don’t know. I know that this may sound unbelievable to you, but as a fourteen year old boy, I never even considered the fact that maybe I was hurting Billy’s feelings. In my mind I was just joking around with Billy and having a little fun. I was just so blind. Until it was to late.
Then I found my self sitting in the school office being interviewed by the police for the part I played in your brother’s death. I acted like I didn’t care. I showed no remorse. I never said a word to my mom or to anyone for that matter. I acted like life was going on as normal on the outside, but inside my life was shattered.
I wished every night that your brother had brought that gun to school and killed me instead. But he didn’t. And time passed. The guilt never left, but I buried it away. But over the years it went from being a nightly battle, to a weekly battle to a monthly battle.
There are many things that have shaped my life. Nothing though has shaped my life like your brother’s death. Your brother’s death plunged me into a life of despair, guilt, shame and hopelessness. You would have never known it though by looking at me on the outside. I covered everything up and pretended like everything was alright. To this day there are few people that know what I did to one hurting little boy my eighth grade year of junior high. It was your brother’s death and the guilt that it brought to me that drove me to the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.
At age nineteen I was a lonely, hurting young man. Life seemed meaningless and hopeless and I even considered many times doing exactly what Billy had done to himself. It would be so easy and then all the pain and suffering would come to an end. But, I knew there was one more thing I could try; I could turn to God. And so I did. On June 1st of 1993, at age nineteen I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and forgive me of my sins. My life has never been the same.
I have been in the ministry for twelve years now. I answered the call of God at age 21 and became the youth pastor at a little country church right outside of [redacted]. I ministered to teenagers for ten years before I felt the Lord moving me in the direction of pastoring a church. Two and a half years ago I took my first senior pastorate here at [redacted].
I know that, "If any one is in Christ he is a new creation etc..." I also know that the Lord forgave me for what I did to your brother. But to be honest with you, I have never completely forgiven myself. Of course it is something that the devil loves to bring to my remembrance. It is not like I got saved and forgiven and I have never thought about Billy again. To the contrary; after my salvation I then begin to struggle with, "Should I get in contact with Billy’s family?" Should I tell them that it was not their fault? Should I tell them what I did and that there were others that treated Billy like I did? Would it ease their pain to know (and I truly believe this from my experience as a youth pastor) that Billy had not reached the age of accountability at the time of his death and that our Lord in His infinite mercy received Billy into His outstretched arms? Would it mean anything to them to know that Billy’s death had purpose? That it served as a catalyst to bring a hurting, lost, young man to the saving knowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord and because of Billy’s death I have been saved and answered the call to the ministry and now (hopefully) countless other lives will be changed because of Billy’s death.
I have struggled with these thoughts up to the very time that you emailed me. I do not have to struggle anymore. I always allowed fear to keep me from action. I was afraid to drudge up painful memories. I was afraid to make every body that loved Billy live through the event all over again. I was afraid of hurting more people all over again, and selfishly, I let that fear stop me. Jenny, you were braver then me. And for that I will always be in your debt. I thank you for speaking words of forgiveness and release over my life.
I do not know what "brand" of Christian you are, and it would not affect my feelings for you as a sister in the Lord, I love the body of Christ, whether you are Catholic, Protestant, Lutheran, Methodist, Baptist, or Pentecostal. I believe that what you have done is going to greatly impact my life and yours. I believe that what you have done has started a turn of events in the spiritual realm that are going to be far reaching and ultimately impact many lives. I don’t know if that makes sense to you now, but I am sure it will some day.
There are people in my life I've found myself having to forgive over and over again; perhaps this is the case in your life as well. But truly, this is the most complete, the most profound, the purest forgiveness I have ever felt for another -- it is a picture of the forgiveness God has granted me. Once my enemy, now my friend. It is finished. There is nothing in my heart but peace about it, nothing but love for him and radiant joy in our fellowship.
Because we share the same Father, this man is also my brother. In Christ, all things are made new: hearts, lives, souls of men.
Happy new year.
I saw them at the Wiltern Theater back in the mid-90's, before they broke up. As I recall, Sheryl Crow played the longest and most painful opening set in the history of bands-I-did-not-come-to-see.
