Klownz in Da 'Hood

Apparently, the kids down in South Central are dressing like clowns and getting into intense rivalries that end in dramatic battles.

No, I'm not talking about street gangs; we already knew about that. I'm talking about "krumping," in which the kids down in South Central are LITERALLY dressing like clowns -- a la Bozo -- and getting into intense rivalries that end in dramatic CLOWN DANCE battles.

I hear what you're saying. "Are you freakin' kidding me?!?" No, sir. I am not.

I implore you to visit the above linked article, if only for the photo. I promise, it's reallyreallygood.

I can't believe this is the first I've heard of this. For the love of all that is holy, people are having underground clown dance battles and I didn't even know???

That Crazy Young Man and His Flying Machines

Martin Scorcese's "The Aviator" is collecting awards and accolades. See the movie on the big screen, if you have a chance; it's well done all the way around. I heartily endorse it not only because it's a fine example of what Hollywood can and should be doing (compelling stories, beautifully told), but also because the miniature effects are spectacular and worthy of recognition. Dozens of talented artists -- modelmakers, painters, sculptors, carpenters and mechanical effects experts -- worked for months to recreate scale models of 1930's Hollywood Boulevard, the Beverly Hills neighborhood where Howard Hughes crashed his XF-11, the world-famous Hercules ("Spruce Goose"), and several other pieces.

It's unfortunate that the current trend in the film industry is to forget or dismiss this time-honored craft and go whole-hog digital, often to the detriment of the look of the film. What New Deal Studios does is a little like good acting: if we've done our job, you won't notice there was a job to be done. And films like this one make it even harder to attract attention because we're dealing with airplanes, objects that exist in the real world. Nobody's looking at an airplane in a film and saying "how did they do that" the way they would with, say, an exploding alien spaceship.

Today marks the launch of a website devoted to "The Aviator" visual effects. Hop on over to www.aviatorvfx.com and take a peek at the miniature effects section. See for yourself what meticulous craftsmanship and attention to detail can add to a period film.

Starch Wars?

My ever-vigilant friend Deborah alerted me to a disturbance in the Force. In the spirit of my last blog entry, I bring you the Carb Lord of the Sith. O, George Lucas and your evil demi-gods of merchandising, is nothing sacred?

Now Accepting Applications (Revised Standards, Version 38.2)

Want to go out with me? Take this quiz:


1. Which of the following do you enjoy most:

A. Scrabble
B. Scrapple
C. Scrimmage
D. Scrappy Doo


2. Your opinion on Star Wars:

A. I like to pretend I'm Han Solo (the Underoos help)
B. I like to pretend the "prequels" were never made
C. I'm going to pretend you didn't ask me that question
D. Captain Kirk was the man


3. Dogs:

A. Rule
B. Are good with mustard and relish
C. Are not as good as cats
D. Are good with mustard and relish, but not as good as cats with mustard and relish


4. Valentine's Day is Saturday, and I am your girlfriend. You:

A. Forget entirely
B. Remember, but blow off the whole occasion because you've "always hated Valentine's Day"
C. Plan a low-key but fun activity, and maybe even keep it a surprise (but tell me how to dress appropriately for the event)
D. Spend all day at a role-playing game convention with your friends while I sit at home online, being mocked by the other people in the chat room


5. The word "sandwich" is pronounced:

A. SAND-wich
B. SAN-wich
C. SAM-wich
D. SAMM-ich


6. "Hammered" is:

A. What you did to the nail in the wall in order to hang the picture frame in my living room
B. What you get with your buddies on Friday night
C. What you get when you go against the MC's advice and try to "touch this"
D. What?


7. You open doors:

A. For all women, the disabled, and occasionally men whose arms are full
B. For all women, but no men
C. For your mother, but no one else
D. For to get inside the building


8. Which of the following is a compliment:

A. "You are incredibly beautiful."
B. "You look nice today -- have you lost weight?"
C. "You look nice today -- are you wearing makeup?"
D. "Sure, honey, but this is Southern California -- anywhere else in the country, you'd really turn heads."


9. The following song will not be played at our wedding:

A. Theme from "Shaft"
B. William Hung's rendition of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight"
C. Anything from Star Wars
D. All of the Above


10. Orlando Bloom is:

A. A decent elf and a pretty good pirate
B. An elficer and a gentlepirate
C. A perfectly acceptable mini-obsession for your girlfriend, with the understanding that should Orlando and said girlfriend actually meet in person, absolutely nothing untoward would occur because it's YOU she truly loves, of course
D. "A totally gay dude who doesn't threaten my masculinity at *all* because he's, like, SOOOO gay. And pretty. DAMMIT! I mean gay."

Now, if Only Someone Would PAY Me to Be Funny

Happy New Year & all that. Yeah, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. But please understand, this unemployment business is serious work!

This just in: I have another submission up at McSweeney's. It's a multiple contributor category, so ya gotta scroll down a bit to see mine. It's brief, but joyous.