Extra! Extra!

It's certainly unfortunate that there's a goofy, graceless North American bird called "turkey," which makes silly noises and is widely recognized for its lack of intelligence...AND that there's a country which is also called "Turkey." It's by no means a new observation.

Now, I'm pretty sure I know a tragedy when I see one, and despite my mildly misanthropic persona, I would never truly take pleasure in the misfortune of others. But how do you not chuckle -- or, minimally, suppress a smirk -- at a headline like "Turkey Train Crash Kills 30?" Who do you suppose was so irresponsibly driving this turkey train? Surely that's grounds for a lawsuit.

I keep a list of these headlines on the wall near my desk at work. Granted, most of them could be taken as juvenile humor in the extreme -- there's an entire section devoted to headline usage of the word "probe," if you must know -- but some of them are just so evocative that you'd be hard pressed to think of any possible meaning other than the wrong one.

"Victims of Lutheran Abuse Win $37M Award"

"Peru to Install New Cabinet After Scandal"

"Schwarzenegger Won't Hold Groping Probe"

I know, I know. I'm a horrible human being for even suggesting there may be something funny about these things. Say it if you must. But if a single one of you has ever in your life laughed at an O.J. Simpson joke, a space shuttle Challenger joke, a Michael Jackson joke...I'm afraid I must refer you to the eye doctor for immediate log removal.

The Joy of Procrastination

Good evening. In lieu of the typical newbie's debut post ("Welcome to my blog, which will be about the following..."), I will simply state that I should be working right now. The truth is profound enough.