DAY OF THE OSCARS, 3:00pm...Hilary Swank is getting dressed for her big night:
"I can't believe I'm so lucky to have found this fabulous Golden-Age-of-Hollywood-inspired Vera Wang white silk gown! Chad, honey, would you zip me up?"
"Certainly, my dear. Let me just quickly set this 32oz. tumbler full of 100% pomegranate juice precariously on the edge of the vanity next to you...uh-ohhhhhh...."
"Oh, NO! My precious Vera Wang is RUINED!!! Chad, you fool! It's three o'clock, and the only other dress in my closet is a hideous 1980's-era navy blue zipper-front frock made of Lycra!"
"Darling, you'll look stunning in it. It's not the dress that counts -- remember, it's an honor just to be nominated."
"You're right, dearest Chadlo, of course. Now, help me zip up the front."
"Certainly, my love. Wait, there appears to be a small thread caught in a completely unnoticeable place near the bottom of the zipper. Let me just quickly get my pliers and fix that for you...uh-ohhhhhh...."
"Chad, you moron! It won't zip up now, and there's not enough double-stick tape on planet Earth to hold in my million-dollar babies! What am I going to do now?!?"
"Sweetheart, I have an idea that will make you the belle of the ball! Just put it on like this...."
Monday, February 28, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
*I* AM ALPHA DOG, AND YOU'D BETTER GET USED TO IT
I'm puppysitting again; this time it's a five-month old black Lab named Janna. She hasn't been getting enough work from the busy family who's raising her, so I've been asked to take her for a week or so, and do some intensive basic training with her. She's very cute. She's very smart. She's VERY stubborn...and hasn't yet been taught that she isn't the boss.
Two words: Labrador Rodeo.
There are moments when I literally have to grab her legs and pull them out from under her in order to get her on her back for grooming (it's not as damaging as it may sound, there's an actual technique to it). Then there's the Greco-Roman wrestling. I get her on the floor, quickly muscle her on to her side, grasp one of her forelegs for leverage, pin her across the neck/shoulder with my forearm and clamp my other hand firmly on her hip...and hold her there until her breathing slows and she's relaxed enough not to bolt as soon as I let go and give her the "okay" release command. Meanwhile, she lolls her tongue around and grunts and wiggles and snorts and gives me the crazy-eye. It takes a good thirty minutes, and provides a surprisingly good workout for both of us.
Ultimately, after last night's match, I won. But she got me back later...just as I was drifting off to sleep, satisfied that Janna was dreaming happily in her kennel next to my bed, she let out a toxic cloud that could have gagged a stone statue.
Is this what it's like to have children?
Two words: Labrador Rodeo.
There are moments when I literally have to grab her legs and pull them out from under her in order to get her on her back for grooming (it's not as damaging as it may sound, there's an actual technique to it). Then there's the Greco-Roman wrestling. I get her on the floor, quickly muscle her on to her side, grasp one of her forelegs for leverage, pin her across the neck/shoulder with my forearm and clamp my other hand firmly on her hip...and hold her there until her breathing slows and she's relaxed enough not to bolt as soon as I let go and give her the "okay" release command. Meanwhile, she lolls her tongue around and grunts and wiggles and snorts and gives me the crazy-eye. It takes a good thirty minutes, and provides a surprisingly good workout for both of us.
Ultimately, after last night's match, I won. But she got me back later...just as I was drifting off to sleep, satisfied that Janna was dreaming happily in her kennel next to my bed, she let out a toxic cloud that could have gagged a stone statue.
Is this what it's like to have children?
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