Word

He is rizzle, indeed.

Think I'll...Pass

Subject line from this week's Ticketmaster update e-mail:

"Don't Miss Urinetown"

Come on now. That's just too easy.

Put on a Happy Face

Or put on a scary face. You decide; you're the master pumpkin carver.

Keep America Beautiful, Jerk

Oh, good sir in your shiny white Ford Explorer, California license plate number 2ZMJ954, I saw you roll down your driver side window and drop that wadded up napkin and flaccid banana peel onto 83rd Street as you and I were waiting in the left turn lane on our way to our respective jobs at 9:00 this morning.

I desperately hope that one of our many thousands of daredevil neighborhood squirrels picks up the banana peel and somehow makes its way back to your overpriced single-family dwelling, to deposit it in some crevice, some out-of-the-way place where the peel will rot and stink and attract many other vermin who will then gleefully take advantage of your unintended hospitality.

I also hope you breathe a little sigh of relief that California doesn't have a litterbug hotline, like Pennsylvania does, because yes -- oh, yes -- I would have called to report you. Really. I called the only litter reporting number I could find (1-800-TELL-CHP), but fortunately for you it was a non-highway issue out of their jurisdiction.

Fun fact of the day, from the California Penal Code:

42001.7. (a) Every person convicted of a violation of Section 23111 or 23112, or subdivision (a) of Section 23113, shall be punished by a mandatory fine of not less than one hundred dollars ($100) nor more than one thousand dollars ($1,000) upon a first conviction, by a mandatory fine of not less than five hundred dollars ($500) nor more than one thousand dollars ($1,000) upon a second conviction, and by a mandatory fine of not less than seven hundred fifty dollars ($750) nor more than one thousand dollars ($1,000) upon a third or subsequent conviction.

Know this, o soiler of my beautiful neighborhood: I will keep my eyes peeled like that banana for you, and perhaps next time I will follow you to the freeway with my finger on the "send" button of my cell phone.

Millionaire Jenny

It's always encouraging to hear there's another valuable Jenny who's treasured and popular precisely because she's got a little something amiss.

Born in the Wrong Century?

While poking around the Web looking for more information on the old Getty Villa (the Malibu facility, which houses my favorite parts of the Getty collection, will finally re-open in 2006 after a long and costly renovation), I stumbled upon the beautiful little sampler you see at left.

It's a piece made by Rebekah S. Munro in Rhode Island in the early 1790s, and this is what's sewn into it:

"With Sheba's queen ye american fair
To adorn your mind bend all your care
[How blest the maid] whom circling years improve
Her GOD the object of her warmest love
Whose useful hours successive as they glide
The Book the Needle and the Pen divide
Who sees her Parents Heart exult with joy
And the fond tear stand sparkling in their eye"

What also struck me was the description on the Met Museum site:

"This sampler is in a slightly later style associated with Miss Balch's school. The formal archway in Mary Munro's sampler has been replaced by a gently meandering border (1984.331.12). Both girls used the motto that encourages young women to adorn their minds. Rebekah's verse goes on to say that a young woman should divide her time between reading, sewing, and writing, an indication that by the end of the eighteenth century, some families considered intellectual pursuits as important as sewing."

My first thought was, "How much would I love to divide my time between reading, sewing, and writing?"

Sure, there was no indoor plumbing back then, no e-mail, no accessible Mexican food, and I'd probably have died in childbirth at the age of 25 with the delivery of my seventh or eighth kid, but still. Reading, sewing, writing. Pretty sweet deal.

I'll Take "Things That Are Wrong" for $500, Alex

I was shopping for a new shower head at Home Depot, scanning the massive shelf of products for the fixture that satisified just the right combination of "I am broke" and "I need to bathe the dog, in my bathroom, without incident." It was overwhelming because there were so many choices, and because I had the dog with me and was trying to do things quickly and pay attention to him and pick up everything I needed to look at with my one free hand.

But this post is not about the dog. Oh, no.

I saw a box for a product on that aisle, right there among the shower heads, that made me laugh out loud in the middle of everyone and everything. But distracted as I was, and lacking the time to pick up the box and look at it, I just chose my fine mid-range-price lifetime-warranty Delta fixture ("Great for washing pets!" Am I a sucker for the marketing or what?), and headed home with my head full of "Hope this works."

Two weeks later, I flashed back to that product on the shelf and doubted my lucidity at the time. Did I really see what I thought I saw? Was that really the name of the product? Am I remembering this right? I couldn't be sure. So, like anyone of my generation would, I consulted the great and powerful Google.

And yes. Oh, yes, there it was.

Brother Can You Spare a Pint?

I cried because I had no spoon.
But then I met a man who had no ice cream.