Swanky

DAY OF THE OSCARS, 3:00pm...Hilary Swank is getting dressed for her big night:

"I can't believe I'm so lucky to have found this fabulous Golden-Age-of-Hollywood-inspired Vera Wang white silk gown! Chad, honey, would you zip me up?"

"Certainly, my dear. Let me just quickly set this 32oz. tumbler full of 100% pomegranate juice precariously on the edge of the vanity next to you...uh-ohhhhhh...."

"Oh, NO! My precious Vera Wang is RUINED!!! Chad, you fool! It's three o'clock, and the only other dress in my closet is a hideous 1980's-era navy blue zipper-front frock made of Lycra!"

"Darling, you'll look stunning in it. It's not the dress that counts -- remember, it's an honor just to be nominated."

"You're right, dearest Chadlo, of course. Now, help me zip up the front."

"Certainly, my love. Wait, there appears to be a small thread caught in a completely unnoticeable place near the bottom of the zipper. Let me just quickly get my pliers and fix that for you...uh-ohhhhhh...."

"Chad, you moron! It won't zip up now, and there's not enough double-stick tape on planet Earth to hold in my million-dollar babies! What am I going to do now?!?"

"Sweetheart, I have an idea that will make you the belle of the ball! Just put it on like this...."