Extra! Extra!

It's certainly unfortunate that there's a goofy, graceless North American bird called "turkey," which makes silly noises and is widely recognized for its lack of intelligence...AND that there's a country which is also called "Turkey." It's by no means a new observation.

Now, I'm pretty sure I know a tragedy when I see one, and despite my mildly misanthropic persona, I would never truly take pleasure in the misfortune of others. But how do you not chuckle -- or, minimally, suppress a smirk -- at a headline like "Turkey Train Crash Kills 30?" Who do you suppose was so irresponsibly driving this turkey train? Surely that's grounds for a lawsuit.

I keep a list of these headlines on the wall near my desk at work. Granted, most of them could be taken as juvenile humor in the extreme -- there's an entire section devoted to headline usage of the word "probe," if you must know -- but some of them are just so evocative that you'd be hard pressed to think of any possible meaning other than the wrong one.

"Victims of Lutheran Abuse Win $37M Award"

"Peru to Install New Cabinet After Scandal"

"Schwarzenegger Won't Hold Groping Probe"

I know, I know. I'm a horrible human being for even suggesting there may be something funny about these things. Say it if you must. But if a single one of you has ever in your life laughed at an O.J. Simpson joke, a space shuttle Challenger joke, a Michael Jackson joke...I'm afraid I must refer you to the eye doctor for immediate log removal.