An Open Letter to the WWII Re-Enactment Enthusiast Who Responded to My Online Personal Ad

Dear Sir (is "Sir" appropriate?),

I'm flattered by your interest, truly I am. And I know it's just your hobby, but...is it, really?

Because mama always told me that any potential online suitor who posts five photos of himself engaged in his highly realistic weekend pastime -- with no photos of himself dressed in day-to-day attire, or posing at Christmastime with friends and family, or all tuxed-up for a wedding -- is advertising more than just a passing interest.

Okay, so maybe you're not all you seem to be. Yes, I know you added that "sense of humor required" bit in your profile; as I recall, it was just after the part where you asked if I was tired of guys with "hat on backwards, pants around the ass, tons of tribal tatt's, and a limited vocabulary." Well, sure, I suppose an argument can be made there. And fine, there is indeed something about a man in uniform. And yes, as a matter of fact, I do enjoy theater...when I'm convinced that's what it is, of course.

It's not that I'm against historical period re-enactors or re-enactments per se. I used to work with a very congenial man who was a member of a local pirate re-enactment group, for example. But mitigating factors in his case included the fact that he spent his weekdays mixing and pouring toxic chemicals, which made his daily pirate-pants-wearing habit, and his blurred sense of the line between piracy and reality, a little more understandable to the rest of us land-lubbers. You, on the other hand, are in sales. So...huh?

I'm just not so sure about our future together, is all.

For example, I rather enjoy the company of Jewish people, and I'm guessing that would make for some pretty awkward dinner parties.

"What's this photo on the mantel here?" someone is bound to ask.

"Why, that's my loving husband, riding roughshod over the likes of you 'Juden' in his genuine 1944 Volkswagen Kubelwagen. Coffee?"

And from another practical standpoint, what if one of the kids brings the Ark of the Covenant home from school one day? My HMO just doesn't provide that kind of coverage.

Sure, I understand that it's not a very exciting re-enactment if it's one sided, and I'll concede that someone has to be the bad guys. And yes, yes, we would indeed produce beautiful Aryan children. I am descended from the finest peasant stock of Western Europe, after all -- sturdy men and women who passed down a love of efficiency and lack of pigment that are observable traits in me today. And you did specify your ideal match as "caucasian and conservative." But as much as I admire a man with goals and interests, I can't say I'm super comfortable with those goals and interests involving the systematic extermination of God's chosen people, even if it's all in good fun.

I hope you'll understand, Herr Gunther, that I just don't see it working out between us.

Danke, but nein danke,

Not Your Fraulein