I've been having a tough time of it the last month or so. Struggling -- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It's not "the holidays" or their ensuing crush of activity-based madness, or any other such earthly thing. I'm having a tough time because I haven't been spending enough time with God -- time in prayer, time in the Word, really seeking Him and keeping up my end of the relationship. Observably, when my habits in these areas slip, everything else is quick to follow. I guess you could consider it a confession of sorts.
The insignificant things draw together to become the quicksand in which I find myself mired. I cannot see past these small things: minor inconveniences, frustrations and annoyances, temporary setbacks. I am disappointed in myself, confused about circumstances. I am focused on the wrongs, sometimes merely perceived wrongs. I might be frustrated with God, or wonder where He is in all of this as I flail and swat at these mosquitoes...if I were to stop for just a moment and think of Him at all.
I forget how big He is sometimes.
A friend of my roommate's visited us one evening last week as she was passing through town. She's more of an acquaintance to me; we worked together for a few months, but don't know each other deeply. There's something about my life that I didn't realize she knew.
My only brother was twelve years old when he put a gun to his head and ended his life, in a classroom after school on a Monday afternoon in February of 1988. I was fifteen. The things I could write about that day, or about the moment I knew what had happened before anyone told me, would fill more pages than you would ever want to read.
Apparently, this acquaintance of mine went to school with him; she didn't know him, but she obviously experienced what happened. And she had a difficult life back then, was struggling with suicidal tendencies herself. What stopped her, she said to my roommate last week, was my brother. She saw how his death affected everyone else, and she decided to live.
To me there is a significant difference between acts ordained by God and acts allowed by God, though sometimes it's difficult for temporal beings like we are, limited in the scope of our knowledge, to accurately judge which situation applies. We could talk forever about what's called in Christian theology "The Problem of Evil," and there are some who will refuse to be consoled and in bitterness rail against God for allowing us to bleed and die and hurt each other and ourselves. It's a conversation for another time, too much to go into here.
There are things He knows that we do not, cannot, know. He is the God who takes what was meant for evil -- though His very heart breaks at the evil we have chosen -- and purposes it for good, bringing beautiful, mysterious redemption out of blood and sorrow.
I remember how big He is sometimes.
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5 comments:
I think you just did an excellent job of communing with God by writing this post. It certainly helped me. I hope it helped you too.
Thanks for sharing this Jenny. I hope that in sharing it you don't feel as alone in your emotions as before. Thanks for sharing about your brother as well. Even though I never met him, I mourn his loss with you.
This was beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing your confession, and your heart.
Thanks, you guys, for your kind words and generous encouragement. I'm just glad I have people with whom to share these (admittedly few and far between) moments of clarity, and I'm grateful that they may be of use in the lives of others.
I know I'm not alone in having difficulty right now. It seems like many people I know and love (maybe even you?) are going through hard times of their own.
Unexpectedly, my brother's death is one of the few areas of my life in which God has given me a mercifully complete and perfect peace -- so much so that I don't often talk about it, only "outing" myself at the surfacing of these occasional miraculous events. I forget which people in my life actually know about it. This is not to say that I don't miss him -- I wish you all could have known Billy and his brainy, hilarious, geeky, lovable weirdness! Indeed, there was no mistaking us as siblings.
It is just like God to get my attention in this way: not with taskmaster punishment for my neglected responsibilities, not with disapproval and disappointment over my poor "performance," not with a show of force that makes me cower, all of which I deserved. Instead, He left a bittersweet calling card printed with seeming coincidence, a clear and gentle reminder of His sovereignty. It brought me quite literally to my knees in prayers of gratitude and recognition, which is where I should have been the whole time.
Thank you again for your comments, all of you. I am touched by your friendship.
It’s interesting how we think we are alone in some matter but if we mention it to someone else, we suddenly find we were never alone at all. That was a good post, thank you.
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