Apologies, Maladies & Awards

Please forgive my recent blog hiatus. During periods of unemployment, my inner slavedriver kicks in and prevents me from doing "fun" things, like writing or reading or...well, anything that isn't directly related to pounding the virtual pavement for my next steady gig...or, apparently, cleaning my apartment.

But it's past midnight on this chilly October Sunday night/November Monday morning, and owing to the raging headcold that has sucked the life out of a potentially fun-filled Halloween weekend, I am still conscious. My muscles, it seems, are angry: "NO MORE BED!!!" Apparently, there's only so much sleep a girl can take.

While a head full of mucus typically renders most non-Kleenex-and-drug-related thoughts vastly unimportant, I have managed to find humor in a little game Amy and I play during election time. It's called "The Riordan Award." You fellow Californians, and some non-Cali lovers of politics, may remember former Los Angeles mayor Richard Riordan's campaign for governor in the recent ousting of Gray Davis (which brought the title of Governator to our beloved Ahnold).

Well, it seems good ol' Dick Riordan really wanted our vote, because we received more phonecalls from him than from anyone we knew in real life. Seriously, when two of the three messages on your answering machine are recorded messages from the candidate -- and the third is from his wife -- it's a heated campaign. So we've created this dubious award to honor the candidate, not restricted to any party affiliation or specific office, who tries his darndest to convince us he's the man for the job...by any means necessary.

This year, local politician (and alleged telemarketer!) Mike Gordon is running against Redondo Beach mayor Greg Hill for state assembly. Oddly enough for an alleged telemarketer, there were no phonecalls this time. Instead, we've been bombarded with paper. I don't know what the history is between these two, but a mere peek into our mailbox every day is enough to suggest that things are nasty.

We take the count every day. Two Mike Gordon mailers, one Greg Hill. Three Gordon, three Hill. I think our single-day record is actually five to two, in favor of Gordon. This has been going on for weeks.

And they're getting weirder by the day. A cute, fluffy, bowtie-sporting rabbit in a magician's hat: "Political Telemarketer Mike Gordon knows all the tricks." A filthy elephant, spewing a shower of brown muck out of his trunk: "Republican Greg Hill sure throws a lot of mud...." A doe-eyed little boy, his cherubic visage twisted into the disappointed skepticism of the innocent: "When we were young, it wasn't called 'spin.'"

But the grandaddy of them all is the one that trumpeted "Republican Greg Hill will say anything to win!" This one was our favorite because it made such grand use of comic book art. On the front cover, an astonished Mary Worth-esque blonde woman stares wide-eyed at the headline, "Mike Gordon causes earthquakes in California!" A redhead graces the back cover, similarly shocked at "Another attack mailer from Greg Hill!" that reads "Mike Gordon Kidnapped Elvis!"

Well, that was the deciding vote. So, in recognition of the sheer volume and strangeness of his printed campaign materials, Amy and I proudly bestow this election's Richard Riordan Award upon Mike Gordon. Better luck next time, Greg Hill.